My mom wasn't really my mom

My big sister, D has always been the voice of reason, my guide in life. She knew everything and always took care of me. As I mentioned before, she saved me the the kidnap of the Candy-man."Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" was not too far off. 
 So how would I not believe her on everything else? We would sit up and talk when we were supposed to go to bed, my mom would make her point very clear, by shaking the silver ware drawer when she would hear us talking. I would run to my bed really fast and pretend I was asleep as my mom would open our door and peer in to see if we were sleeping. Then, Danae would creep up to my bed, and we would talk some more. This always bothered Chimra, because D and I were closer, and so Chimra would get jealous we were not allowing her to hear our secrets. 
 The biggest secret D would tell me was I was not their blood sisters. She started this discussion right before I turned 6, and this discussion was held for about two years. 
 I had no reason to discredit her, as of course she knew all, I mean, she had dates, times facts and even facts to back up her facts. 
 So, This is the story of how ı came here according to my sister D:
I was born in the hospital by a loving mom and dad with blond hair and blue eyes, and I had a rich family. 
My mom now was really a man dressed up like a woman and trying to get money from the family from which I was born. 
 I was valuable to her (mom) because I was the daughter of a wealthy millionaire.
 "But mom is so pretty, I mean she doesn't look like a man"
I would say to my "sister". "But she is." Then, what about my sister?
 Just kidnapped, held against her will, but she never complained because she was scared. 
When I was 13, I talked to my sister about this. 
 She laughed so hard she was crying and she said that she had a bad dream, and she would stare at my mom,(when she was awake) ask her who her mom and dad really was. This hurt my mom's feelings, because when I would talk to my mom about who I really was, my mom would sigh and say, "you have been talking to D, again, haven't you?"

10 months old. I do not recall that dog, but when my mom saw this picture, she recalls him

Back in California

We did visit the Grand Canyon once or Twice growing up.

Our time was up in Mexico. We said very sad good-byes and went back to California. One time we went on a trip to the Grand Canyon and while we were there we visited our relatives in Arizona. We had some in Mesa. we were there a while. I had an uncle that was a really great guy. He was my Grandma's brother. His wife N scared the pants off me though. She was a perfectionist and would get angry if anyone did not do what she wanted. I look at her now and she is half my size. How was I possibly ever afraid of her? Well, I was.
  It was when We had come back from Mexico and I was about three that my Grandpa and uncles and my two aunts came to California to visit us. We went to Tijuana and Disneyland. we went all over San Diego with my uncles and aunts. It was so much fun. My mom bought me a doll which I still have. My mom taught me how to hold the doll so that her dress would not get ruined. she taught me to hold the doll with her legs. I still remember to this day. I really loved dolls and collected them all of  my life. Because of us moving so much, sadly, some of the dolls I had I had lost. 
  My mom had a friend named Charlie Callahan. Charlie was a great guy. He drove around in a V.W. Bus and had bright red hair. He was a good friend of my mom's. He would take us places. One time I had to go to the hospital and get my kidneys tested and Charlie took my mom and I in the morning. We went, for some reason to the V.A. Hospital. I think because my birth father was in the Air Force and so, the V.A. Hospital paid for all our medical tests. Well, They had to poke me with a lot of needles and I thought it was torture, and so they had to restrain me. In the midst of testing me, I was in a room hooked up to a machine, when a huge Gorilla came in my room. In the wisdom of one of the Doctors, they thought it would be nice for sick children to be visited with a horrifying creature, such as a Gorilla, so that when you left the Hospital, you appreciated leaving. Honestly, I don2t know which is more terrifying, Gorilla or Clown.They are both absolutely the most horrific thing to ever visit me in the Hospital. The Gorilla came in, as I am screaming, drew a happy face on my tummy, tied a balloon to my bed, and walked back to my door, turned around, tilted his head to the side, waved, and went out the door. To this day that is the most insane creepiest thing that happened to me at that point in my life. 
Another visit to the same Hospital or maybe the same visit, I was sitting in the waiting section with my mom. 
 There were many people coming and going. We were sitting on chairs along a wall, they were big and soft chairs. A man came with a wheel chair, rolling by me and he had a mustache, long hair and I saw, he had no legs. In hte mind of a three year old, I did not know he would understand me if I spoke to him, but I knew that my mom had all the answers, and so I said,"Momma, What happened to his legs?" "Well,"  was all my mom could say when she was interrupted by this guy. He turned around with his wheel chair and we were just about eye level, he started yelling at me. He said "Have you ever heard of NAM? HAVE YOU???" And with that started swearing and cussing and yelling some more. He yelled about how no one appreciated what the troops did for me, and fighting for freedom, and he would not stop yelling. I was scared, and could not understand why he was yelling at me. My mom told him to stop yelling at me. My mom said something about how I was only three years years old and to calm down, tell me what happened with out yelling and swearing. My mom ended up telling him to get lost and if he had something intelligent to say, use real words and not swear words.
Laundry time was done every week, If I remember right, on Sundays. But I am sure my mom would now say, Never on Sundays. My om was not active the the church that she was raised in the time that we lived in California. I mean, at times she was but not all the time. Us girls would pile up the clothes in the Radio Flyer, mom would make sandwiches and we would hit the laundromat.People would drive by and whistle at my mom and she would tell us,"Only Jerks whistle at women, never answer to cat calls, girls." 
  D and I never did. 

And Now Mexico?

Last Summer I went back to Utah to visit my mom and dad and family. I stayed with my mom for six weeks and of those six weeks about 2 1/2 weeks were of actual time spent with my mom and dad. All the other time I went to other places. I visited my friends and family. 
 I have a memory of my aunt that I can impersonate to very well. I will try to articulate it with words so as your mind can hear and see exactly what I can do. Interestingly, I thought if I did this impersonation my mom would not be happy. However, she thought it was so funny, she had me do it a couple of times. 
  My aunt, as I might have mentioned before is an alcoholic. I do not condone alcoholism in any way but when you are raised with the life I had, and mind you, my mom was not the cause of my pain, she was my protector, you can either become bitter, forget, or use your pain with humor to survive. 

 My aunt would drink and roll her own cigarettes. Of course looking back, I am sure she smoked more than tobacco, but we called them cigarettes. When she got drunk, she would walk around the house in her lingerie, she mainly had silk slips and she had a beautifully colored silk robe that hung open. It was white with flowers on it. We would, according to my aunt, make too much noise and she would get really ticked off about our noise. 
  One day, I was crying and wanting my dad in my room. My bedroom door was closed. My aunt had a glass of wine and a cigarette in her hand, and opened my bed room door. She was wearing a white silk slip with one of her white silk robes with flowers on it. I thought she was coming in to comfort me, but she opened the door, and stood there for a couple of seconds. she was not falling to the floor but she was tipping and swaying from side to side as she slurred, "Stop cryin' you brat. Your dad left you and he's no coming back" she closed the door rather loud and went back to her room for another cigarette and of course more wine. 
 My aunt went on spurts. Sometimes she was drunk a lot and other times she was fine, not drinking and really fun to be around.
 My mom somehow found a way for us three girls to live with her in Mexico. 
 I remember some of that time. 
 I remember we lived with a woman named Josefina. She was really sweet. I remember what her home looked like and I remember the Geckos on the ceiling at night. They were harmless but I was scared of them.
 I hated rice. Rice is a huge staple food in Mexico or it seemed to me it was. I hated it with a passion. My mom always tried to get me to eat rice with Cinnamon. I just starved when she did that. I would have rather been hungry for days than eat it and so I would give it to my sisters who would eat it for me. 
 I also was taller than most girls my age but I for the life of me was never fast enough for those buses. The Bus Drivers in Mexico were crazy. They would stop for about 5 seconds and whomever was off or on the bus so be it. They did not care if you were half way off the bus, they would take off. One fateful day we were on our way to Church when we were trying to get off the bus fast. My mom and sisters got off but There were a couple of people men of course, that pushed their way by me, and so when I tried to get off, the bus doors were shut on literally half of me. I was half way on and half way off the bus, and the bus took off. Women on the bus were screaming, "Stop! Stop! Stop!" while the men were hollering, "The baby didn't get off the bus!"
 My mom was chasing the bus and I was reaching for my mom yelling ,"Momma help me". The bus had one leg, one arm and half of my face stuck in the door of the bus. Needless to say, I have a fear of bus door now and dash off a bus scared to death it will close the doors of doom on me and whisk me away to a bus stop I have no idea where I would be. 
  I will add for you readers worried, The bus stopped after 4-5 blocks, let me off and my mom brought me to safety. Mazatlan had beautiful beaches, men had carts and they would sell us coconuts with cold coconut milk, mangoes, mango juice, fresh pineapples, we loved living in Mexico. I do not know which way I remember; the ride down to Mexico or the ride home, but I do know for certain we used a train and we rode at night and had a bunk in our section of the train. I think that was riding back, but I know we used a train to get to Mazatlan and back to California. 
Little kids would say my name easier than my sisters. Leena is just easier to pronounce than my sisters names. We would visit a man and his wife that lived across the street from us. They had an atrium full of birds. We loved going over there and seeing the brightly colored birds. they all were Macaws. There were red, green, blue and they were fantastic. They had smaller collection of parakeets, but wow those macaws.
  At night the neighborhood would be full of people sitting outside with their guitars, dancing and singing. They would bring food and eat, they would laugh and joke with one another. I can still remember the smells of the homemade corn tortillas and tamales. Fanta Naranja, and the sounds of the music playing.The streets were sometimes lit with brightly colored lights and we would know the neighborhood was having a celebration of something or another. We loved it. The people were kind and happy and tried to communicate with us, we really loved Mexico. 

    

California Here We Come

My mom had a sister in California and she had offered us her home and my mom and her shared this place together. It was me, my sisters, my mom, my aunt and her son, Jay.
 Jay was about 11 months younger than me. We lived in a Town-House in San Diego. I was just a little over two, and we lived in San Diego for a couple of years. I was almost three years old when I met my birth father for the first time. I was so wow-ed by him. I thought that he was the greatest guy in the whole world. 
  My sister didn't think so. My older sister thought that he was kind of a jerk and would tell me sometimes. I was always surprised that she thought that way, I mean... It was her dad too! I would say I wish dad would come and she would say, "He is never coming, why do you always talk about dad, he doesn't love us because if he did he would see us all the time, get over it" In retrospect, I wish I had her wits. I wish I would have been able to forget my birth father as easily as she had. I think that it would have helped me heal from years of pain that my birth father cause by believing all his lies. Now, mind you, He would be well intended. He would say, I am coming back tomorrow, or I am going to have you and your sister stay with me in the Summer, we can do many things in Alaska in the Summer, or he would say, If you behave I will buy you more clothes when I see you. Another one was "Do you like Jewelry? Well, I will give you all the Jewelry you want if you mind your mom and do what she says" I remember that one because I love jewelry and heck, yeah I wanted all the jewelry ... But it never came. 
  More highlights to my memories living in California.
 We would go to the Balboa Park and we would  play in the fountain. That is, until the Park Ranger would come by and tell us that we are not allowed to play in it. We would also go to the beaches on the bus and we would eat at Jack in the Box. I liked Jack in the Box. We moved out of my aunts place because she got married to a Mexican and we had an out door Wedding for her. It was really pretty wedding.  Danae and I were dressed like twins. We were Rice Girls. We passed rice to all the guests to throw at the Bride and Groom after they married. (***Sad Side Note***: Later you will find the reason my aunt Marriage dissolved, but it did)
 We moved to a place that for some reason to this day I hate little dogs. There is a specific reason for this. First of all I never thought little dogs were the least bit cute. Ever. 

This was taken about the time we were living in California. My birth father would have seen me about this age for the first time. Hard to imagine something so cute he would tell my mom I am not his, Huh? Yep, He did that.

 There is a reason I hate poodles, too.  There was a poodle that lived behind us. To the left of the Gully. We lived in the top of the Gully and there was a door going to the back streets and the side walk to the swinging bridge. I liked going to the swinging bride. I did not like walking near the house with the gray poodle. It would always bark so viciously and bare teeth. Right next to that home was the home with a German Shepard, who was so docile, I thought it was the sweetest dog in the world. I  once ran away from home with my red radio flyer wagon, a blanket and some food and was going to the swinging bride when I thought that the poodle was going to be nice to me, because it did not bark as ı walked by so I stuck my head in the iron bars to get a closer look at the dog when it started jumping at me and barking and scratching my face. A lady with a huge Cherry Red really cool looking Chevy pulled up on the side of the house and jumped out. I had seen the truck before and I am sure she was the owner of the house. She had a deeper voice, was wearing a tank top and had these really weird looking tattoos in her arms, but she was so nice because she helped free me from the poodle, and   after that I would see her and wave to her. My mom would have a lady come to talk to me, and the lady would bring me puzzles to play with, she would ask me questions and she would give me books to read. I have no idea her reasoning for being there. But I liked reading the books and the puzzles.

... Now the Fun Begins...

We moved to Salt Lake City because the commute to Salt Lake City in the mornings was a little difficult for David, my step dad. 
  I recall things from time to time and here are the things I remember the most. Waking up very early in the morning and rocking on the couch, even though the couch was not a rocking couch. I would have David, my step dad turn the TV on to Bugs Bunny and he would get ready in the mornings. He smoked and drank coffee. 
 I remember going to Lagoon a lot because we got Free passes through the radio station. David always brought home some sweets. We lived in Apartments that were building a pool and I remember a girl that would always ride her bike and try to barrel her way through my older sister and I. 
  I remember two dreams I had. One was of the above girl in some way. The dream was this
 The sky was perfect blue with not a cloud in the sky. A hot day but I was wearing a pink dress and my older sister a blue dress and we were happily skipping and playing. We both had balloons when the mean girl with the ten speed came barreling on her bike towards us and I was trying to get out of the way but my little legs were not fast enough and I got under the bike and she was yelling "Get out of the way". My balloon was popped and my older sister had somehow let go of hers in the horrible chaos. I can not say for certain but I am sure that I have had that horrible dream more than once. 
 The other dream was of a house full of snakes. And mice, and clowns. Can there be anymore terrifying than dreaming of a Stephen King's "It" clown before he wrote it, and be almost dead spot on? Talking about that man knowing how to creep me out by Stalking my night terrors. Am I the only one that had ever felt that way? 
Somewhere I know Stephen King will smile a sheepish grin and think, "Well done" In knowing that he had that sort of effect on at least me.
Other thing I remember is going to 4th of July Parade in Provo because family was in Provo and not Salt Lake City. 
 I one day was walking with my little sister, Chimra. There was construction going on of a pool being made. I don't know if this is a memory or if my mom told me so I remember but I do recall a large mud pit. Well, Chimra was about to fall in it was was holding onto the grass and mud on the side of the pit. I ran to my mom and stuttered out Chimra was falling in the mud pool. My mom ran and got her before she fell in. Her life was spared. I recall my mom talking about it and telling me how fast I ran. I remember when we were near there. My mom gave us money to buy a soda pop from the machine, and we had to walk by the pit to get to the soda  pops. I was told that I loved butter. Looking at my pictures you would not guessed. I was not a fat child. But my mom recalls once talking on the stairs to a couple of friends as I walked by them with a cube of butter placed neatly on a piece of bread, and politely asking the women to "pardon me" as I walked by them. 
 Once, at 20 months, I saw David spill something. Now, David is one of those type people if I spilled something, he would yell and yell at me, tell me how careless I am and belittle me to clean it up and not make things fall. This behavior was not directed at just me. It was anyone that was around him.
I hated it. It scared me. One morning when I was rocking on the couch and he was getting ready for work, he spilled coffee on the table in front of him. I remember him getting worked up about it and I started laughing. He said what are you laughing at. I said That is funny. He said, It is not funny, it is a mess. I laughed and said, "That's a funny mess", and laughed more.
 I remember laughing thinking... HE DOES make messes. I thought where is someone there to yell at him? 


I remember that he would yell at my mom and throw things at her. 

Me,deliciously adorable.

 The last I remember living in that apartment was David yelling at my mom and we later left on a big bus. My mom said we were going to live in California.